The Art of Detachment

They say every person you meet is going to teach you a lesson – good or bad – for he would not only leave his impression on you, but much beyond that an impact which would somewhere, even if a bit, change the way you see the world.

The change, no matter how unwelcoming, would appear superficial, if you wouldn’t let it sink in, and sneak away without even letting you know. But there are going to be a few disheartening ones. You would not even want to turn back the pages of your life, would instead skip those chapters, so you don’t end up chewing over the things that happened, were said or got done. Even if you do, it would only match churning of some tasteless cud in your mind you would merely want to spit off.

People – they have that kind of impact on you, and how! I have heard this is apparently the most talked about topic around the globe. People. We have the power to transfer our vibes onto others, the magnetic aura we bear has an immense power to reverse all positivity into absolute negativity or vice versa. Our vibes, in a way, speak out our mind for us. So, you would surely get to know if people hate you inside even if they never say a word regarding this on your face.

Ever wondered how wonderful it would be, if we, having understood how getting in touch with people affects us psychologically, emotionally and socially, learn the art of detachment? First rule, however, of detachment game would be never going back to the same phase of your life, shuffling Rubik’s cube, testing out perms and combos while pondering on ifs and buts. A stage of complete cut off would initially seem tough, but that’s all in how you cajole your mind into thinking about other more interesting stuff.  

If you’re lucky, there will be moments when all the negative elements around you would voluntarily buzz off. Stop for a moment to thank them all, for the Satan inside them has finally spared you off its wrath. The ones who are nothing but pile on’s could be shown, very politely, the way to the exit through your actions. You never know, your vibes might as well knock the socks off their negatives.

Detaching would never come easy, for your mind would always want to hop off into the negative mode, thinking how alone/lonely it feels because of the people who didn’t care, but, on a brighter side, detachment would always open new doors of fresher possibilities for you, leading you into a brighter, independent path where you would find yourself happier in absence of all such creeps.

Detachment, I am sure, would bring along a thousand reasons for you to thank God for a blessed life you never knew existed in store for you. After all, we are surely not weak to blame people for how we feel – we know Karma is a bitch and surely that detachment would bring along great satisfaction of leaving everything to the stars and moving ahead with the things that matter!

I Love My Earphones Plugged, Anyway

So, here it goes. I am not a crazy music lover, a person who spends the best part of his day listening to beats, catching hold of the lyrics. Music is a thing which comes as rather an opportunity to me. While listening to the radio, news, sitcoms or while travelling, I might just run into some good music being played in the background that would pull me by my collars and cast a spell right there. This point on would initiate an irritating, sometimes insatiable, urge to know that song and to have it loaded in my iPod. Genres, singers, instrumentation, formats or styles – nothing really governs my playlist.

I remember one friend asking me if I listened to country music and all I could do was scoff at the thought of sticking to one kind of music for all my life. My playlists might have the slowest songs ever sung by anyone, to a wacky Bhojpuri number I might have stumbled upon at a crazy pajama party with friends.

The best part about my this love for music I would lovingly call as ‘cosmopolitan’ is that I enjoy the silence they leave behind, when they end. I would listen to one song on repeat mode for half a day and, then, decide to not repeat it finally and, still, keep the earphones plugged in my ears hours afterwards. I love the fact that my earphones do not decide to jump off my ears having played the same song for hours; thinking good of me, they would still fight off the noise outside to enter my ears and spoil the sweet residue the song just played has left in my ears and a bit in my brain. The headphones: they also do to my ears what quilt does to my body in winters: provide a warm hug and just be there, holding the warmth. So, while listening to a song I discovered on radio a couple of days back on my iPod, I realized how I love this physical object which has become as good as an extension of me. Playing music or not, I so love my earphones plugged, anyway!

Love and Marriage

My latest read has, indeed, changed the way I have always looked at marriage. I, so, agree that most people spend far more time in preparing for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage. Therefore, it is not surprising that they are more successful in vocational pursuits than in reaching the goal of marital happiness. Most couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for the marriage. Nobody ever prepares for marriage as though it were the most important human relationship he/she will ever have.

Being in Love Is Not an Adequate Foundation for Building a Successful Marriage

We all carry limited perspective about being in love. For almost all of us, the biggest reason why we want to get married to another person is ‘because we love each other’. Often, we fail to consider the fact that our social, spiritual and intellectual interests are miles apart. We fail to acknowledge that ‘love’ is not the basis for a satisfactory marriage. Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade.

Doing a compatibility check on five important grounds – intellectual dialogue, emotional control, social interests, spiritual unity and common values would take a marriage way more far than these ‘tingles’ we call love.

Romantic Love Has Two Stages

The first stage, obviously, requires little effort because it is pushed along by euphoric feelings. Nobody has to really work on the relationship at this stage. The average life span of this initial stage of romantic love is two years. Coming down off of the emotional high leaves one nothing but disillusioned. The second stage is way more intentional. Those who make the effort to transition from Stage One to Stage Two, the rewards are astounding. Everyone has a primary love language. Learning how to express love effectively is the key. Five languages of love are – Words of affirmation (verbally expressing your admiration), acts of service (discovering what things they would life for you to do and then doing them consistently), receiving gifts, quality time (looking at each other, talking, listening), physical touch.

a.    Observe your own behavior – how you express love.

b.    Note what you complain about.

c.    What do you request most often

The Saying “Like Mother Like Daughter” and “Like Father, Like Son” is NOT a Myth

We all are greatly influenced by our parents. Identifying their negative traits and making sure that they do not repeat in us in a learned and conscious method could help us do wonders.

Learning How to Solve Disagreements without Arguing

All marriages have conflicts. Some couples learn how to resolve the conflicts in a friendly manner while others resort to heated arguments. Large or small, all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month or a lifetime. On the other hand, conflicts have the potential of teaching us how to love, support and encourage each other. It’s all how one processes the conflicts. The real need is the need to listen. In marriages, it is never ‘having my way’. It is rather discovering ‘our’ way. Three strategies – meeting in the middle, meeting on your side and meeting later might help. 

Apologizing is a Sign of Strength

Learning the five languages of apology – expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely expressing your desire to change your behavior, requesting forgiveness. 

Forgiveness Is Not a Feeling

It is a decision to restore love and faith in the relationship.

Toilets Are Not Self-Cleaning

Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages.

We Need a Plan for Handling Our Money

You don’t have any money problems when you have no money. After marriage, it is no longer ‘my money’ but ‘our money’, ‘our debts’, ‘our savings’. Second, agreeing on a percentage to save, give away and spend is necessary. 10:10:80 plan works most of the time – 10 for savings, 10 for giving away and rest 80 could be spent in medicine, transportation, utilities, insurance, clothes, recreation, etc. Housing and utilities should not exceed 40%.

Mutual Sexual Fulfillment is Not Automatic

While men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationships. For most women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. For her, foreplay is more important than actual act of love itself. Sex is a bonding experience. It is the union of male and female in the most intimate way. It is not joining of two bodies, but union of body, soul and spirit. Today, divorce rate among those who have had previous sexual experience before marriage is twice as high as those who had no sexual experience before marriage.

You Marry Into a Family

Spirituality is Not to Be Equated with ‘Going to Church’

Talking about our basic beliefs about God helps release a lot of tension.

Personality Profoundly Influences Behavior

Identifying yourself and the spouse as morning person or night person, as pessimist or optimist, as neatnik or a slob, Dead Sea or Babbling Brook, pointer or painter, passive or aggressive, professor or dancer, organizer or free spirit/spontaneous and logical or intuitive, helps dealing with the issues that might occur because of the difference. 

Honeymoon Diaries Part 3: Vishakhapatnam: No Other Place I Would Rather Be

I'm sure God had personally set the plan for us – perfect place, perfect hotel, perfect set of people and perfect weather – no other place would have treated us better; it had to be his hometown!

The first day, around 11 in the morning, we reached Vishakhapatnam, the city of destiny as they call it. We reached the hotel where we had planned to stay – Novotel – one decision I am really proud of. 

What a treat it was – the rooms, the service, the view, the quality of the food they served – everything was out of this world! Driving you a bit offbeat, I would like to mention that there are times in life when we can’t thank few people enough – the people we call friends. His one such friend, Kalyan, took so good care of us during our short stay that saying ‘thank you’ would only nullify his efforts. He sent us a car, with a friendly driver, to pick us up and take us wherever we wanted to go. Kalyan also did a superb job by giving us a bullet to ride on wherever we wished to. I cannot really write my husband's feelings while riding the bullet, his favorite machine, by the sea, with me riding as pillion - it was mesmerizing, like a dream come true! Things got even better when my parents landed the same evening.

We went for dinner to one of his relative’s home and the moments we spent there were overwhelming. We had a great time eating great food and talking our hearts out. We could not, for a moment, feel that both our families were from two different states and cultures.

The next morning, we headed for the famous Simhachalam Temple. His one more friend had his father as the head priest of the temple. Therefore, we could get VIP entry and special pooja done for all our family members and the bliss we all experienced there can't be summed up in words. Once we were back at the hotel, we decided to head to the beach and give it a polar-bear hug – needless to say, we all had an amazing time there J

The same evening, we had our wedding reception planned. The kind of reception I received, being a new entrant to his family, was so heart-warming that I was floating in clouds. I tried reciprocating all the love I received from the elders and the kids, and so did my family. Thanking my new family for this love would never be enough. Having reached the hotel, we (my family and my husband) sat by the pool and tried to re-live the day’s happenings. The sea breeze helped us freshen up and live each moment we were breathing there.

The next morning, my brother had an early flight to catch, therefore we bade him adieu and set off for Rushikonda beach. Thereafter, we saw our parents off, who too had to head back home. We reached our hotel and decided to head to the hotel gym. The amazing time working out together, and then while taking steam bath energized every cell in our bodies and we were all set for a new phase of adventures.

The two days we stayed back together was our private time together, so to say J We spent the best time meeting relatives and friends, seeking blessings at Sampath Vinayagar Temple, shopping jewelry, riding bike in the entire city, even when it was raining, eating at the most fabulous places in Vizag – Daspalla's Dimple Rooftop Restaurant, Dolphin Hotel, Cabana and Novotel and the climax: riding a speed boat in the sea at Rushikonda beach. Our honeymoon just couldn’t have been better than this. All this while, the weather in Vizag was similar to heaven. Only when we were heading back that it was hot there – probably, the place wasn’t happy seeing us leaving. One more incident which brings smiles to our faces is the meeting with one of his friend's mom on our way back to the airport. This friend, Chandrashekhar’s mom not only blessed us, the newly wedded couple, and gave us goodies to take along back home, but also offered “Bournvita” to us, the kids! Never ever in my life had anyone offered me Bournvita when I visited them. This cute incident made me hug the lady even tighter – people have THAT kind of influence on you J

With this, my extended honeymoon came to an end and I must say that this was THE best time of my life. Not only this trip got us emotionally closer to each other, but also introduced a new level of intimacy which wasn’t there when we were dating. We also got together as a family, a unit – my family lovingly accepted my husband as a member and so did he. We all had an amazing time exploring a new place and new relations.

I can say God listens to all the prayers and how! With our each breath ticking the life away, our gratitude to them increases manifolds. 

Honeymoon Diaries: Part 2: Lost and Found

One day – one aim: Tirupati! We were on the very auspicious soil, but had to wait for one night to finally set off for Tirumala. Right early in the morning, we started our pilgrimage and took not more than two hours to reach the top of the hills. They allow vehicles right to the top, and walking all the way is an option many pilgrims still go for. We vowed, too, to walk the whole way the next time we will be here.

We set out unbathed from the home, considering we had to go to Kalyan Katta first. Kalyan Katta/tonsuring booths are for those who want to offer their hair to the Lord. One could also offer 10-15 strands from their head, if they don’t want to go for the complete shave. We chose the latter option.

Having participated in the auspicious task, we freshened up, changed and moved on to the Kalyan Mandapam, in Sri Venkateswara Swamy temple, to perform Kalyanotsavam. Srivari Kalyanotsavam is performed to the utsava murti of the Lord Sri Malayappa swami and his consorts Sridevi and Bhudevi in the marriage hall. The wedding ceremony is held amidst recitation of the vedic mantras and pronouncing the family pedigree of the brides and bridegroom. A purohit conducts the marriage and an archaka is consecrated to perform other rituals on behalf of the bridegroom. Only grihasthas (married couples) are allowed to perform the seva and they are given prasadams and clothes at the end of it. It was, indeed, blissful to attend God’s wedding in proper Telugu traditions. Getting overwhelmed by the puja, my husband expressed his desire to get remarried in Telugu style some time in future! J We had a Punjabi wedding, considering the fact that we didn’t face any opposition to the same from the groom’s side.

After Kalyanam, we headed for darshanam of Lord Venkateswara. Chanting ‘govinda govinda’ while still waiting for our turn, we didn’t realize when we actually entered the boss’ house! From where you stand to the actual place for darshanam, you would hardly get 3-4 seconds to have a glimpse of the God, but the visual delight is incomparable. We forgot everything, including ourselves, and entered a trance mode – experiencing complete relief and solace. This was my first visit to Tirupati and I was all charmed and satisfied with life. It was like, I was lost at the moment and, then, I found a new ME.

Lord Venkateswara's Temple

After collecting the prasad (the yummy laddoos), we bade adieu to the Lord and thanked them for the great darshanam. Thereafter, we set out for Padmavathi Ammavari Temple, some 28 km away from Lord Venkateswara’s temple. Goddess Padmavathi is the consort of the Lord and, yet, lives away from him. There’s a legend behind this, that she was angry with the Lord and decided to immerse herself in river Swarnamukhi. After thirteen years, Goddess Padmavathi emerged from a golden lotus as a reincarnation of Goddess Lakshmi. Hence, the distance. The blissful feeling we had experienced earlier, reentered us in the finest of its forms. Gleefully, we marched on to Sri Govindarajaswami Temple.

Padmavathi Ammavari Temple

Sri Govindarajaswami were the elder brother of Lord Venkateswara. This temple was right next to where we were staying, and, thus, we decided to visit it the last. There are 18 sub-temples in this temple, and we visited each. The poojas and sevas we conducted inside the temple were relaxing and extremely comforting. Despite being tired, we were able to connect with God with our fullest selves.

Sri Govindarajaswami Temple

We had a train to catch at 8:30 PM for an overnight journey to Vishakhapatnam, so we decided to munch on Hotel Bhimas’ in-house restaurant. Again, delicious food there made us munch a bit extra, pushing our usual appetite to the edge. But the food here couldn't beat Mayura's standards. We walked to the station, right next to our hotel having thanked everyone at the hotel for a wonderful treatment, and boarded the train! What happens in Vizag will tell the next addition in this series. J

Honeymoon Diaries: Part 1: Tirupati via Chennai

We have been planning this since six months and dreaming about this ever since we started seeing each other – travelling together. The first phase of our honeymoon kept us dreamy-eyed for months and now that it was happening, it was hard for both of us to contain all the excitement. TIRUPATI!

Having heard a lot of stories about the temple from him, I really wanted to visit it and experience the divinity there. It was, indeed, God’s grace that we got to visit the holy place, right after our marriage, together. I confess going there had me extremely casual about the values it holds, but coming back had me transformed 360 degrees into a girl who was bathed in colors of divinity, continually chanting – edu kondalavada venkataramana govinda goooovindaa!

One part of travelling together, or in rather preparing for it, that I thoroughly enjoyed was packing for the same. It was like two amateurs planning up for a holiday, in fear of not leaving anything at home, carry everything that they saw around – including clothes they hadn’t wore in a century! Result – we were set with four bags, which we had to unpack later in the night to declutter.

Anyway, the adventure started the next day at 4 AM, as we had an early morning flight to catch. I am sure I was living my dream, breathing in the ecstasy of boarding our first flight together - 6E 285. Having arrived at Chennai, we took a taxi, which took us to Marina beach.

(Note: I might just go crazy writing hereon. This was THE first time I saw sea in my life!)

A huge, massive body of water – water till wherever your eyes can go – water so energetic, it brings you to life – water so loud - you want to sit by it and talk to it. Boy! I loved every bit of this experience. 

Hybrid, Orange Coconuts we saw at Marina Beach; obviously, we couldn't resist tasting the nectar it contained.

That's me! :)

Moving on from here, to quench our thirst for authentic, local food, we checked out a restaurant – Sangeetha – which served us the delectable, Tamil food on a banana leaf. I could not stop licking my fingers way after we had finished munching.

Biryani with Raita at Hotel Sangeetha

This point on, we had to rush for our train from Chennai to Tirupati – our first train journey together – this entire trip had plenty of surprises to keep us entertained throughout. Having reached Tirupati at 7:30 PM, we checked in a hotel really close to the railway station – Hotel Bhimas Deluxe. A decent hotel, which was comfortable for us to spend a night and move to Tirumala the next morning. In order to use the time we had at hand to the best, my husband proposed we should go to Kanipakam Vinayaka Temple in Chittoor (some 65 odd kms away from where we were staying). 

Kanipakam Vinayaka Temple

It turned out to be the best day we could visit the temple as it was Kartik Purnima that day – a blessing-in-disguise we were unaware about. We had the best pooja and the best darshanam that day and we returned to our hotel extremely content and satisfied. And did I talk about the beauty? You have to be there to feel the aura of the place - it's magical!

The best thing which could conclude our day right was great food, which we had at Hotel Mayura. The local food buffet we had there and the kind of service we received left us feeling blessed all through. We had our taxi the next morning to Tirupati. What happened there is something I’ll share in my next blog (that’s a complete record of experiences)! Till then, I will leave my readers with the feeling an extremely tasty fruit punch ice cream leaves in your mouth - glutted yet unsatisfied! :) 

Buffet at Hotel Mayura