Monday, June 30, 2014

Fifteen Things Indian Women Should STOP Doing in the Gym

So, it's a big deal for you that you've joined a gym and you're really excited about it. Here's a quick guide to help you with what happens in the gym and how not to participate in this if you ever intended to do that?

1.      Asking naturally slim girls if they’ve lost their minds or their ways that they’ve landed up in a gym:

Serious flaw with the mentality: we just cannot gulp down the fact that a gym is not a furnace for overweights to burn their love handles in. Instead, it is a setup meant for working out, not restricted to people with their weights falling in any particular range on the weighing scale. I must have faced this question around hundred times from ten different ladies (yes, they bother to ask the same question twice, thrice, or as many times as they please, till they don’t hear you saying you had extra money you just didn’t know where to dump) all searching for answers, I never figured out right.
Why is SHE even allowed here?

2.      Recommending modelling as a career to all the evidently lean girls:

I remember once a middle-aged woman urged me to take my headphones, which I had plugged in happily while working out, off just to tell me that if, by any chance, I don’t study anywhere and if I'm not working, too, I should opt for modelling as a career, because she thinks I perfectly fit the bill. No, I do not resemble any popular actor/model; I just appear thinner compared to the rest there. Honestly, I was flattered hearing the compliment but I lost faith in humanity after I heard her saying the same bloody thing to another lean girl who had just joined the same gym. Bloody kidder!

3.      Asking every other thin girl, but the instructor, a few ‘effective’ workout tips:

“These exercises the instructor has recommended don’t really seem to work; do you have any better in mind, the ones that you follow, to share with me?” I was scandalized when I heard a lady asking me while I was doing crunches. 
Fact check: slim girls know no crosscut to get you your curves back. Probably, they are fighting their way to reach there, too. There are absolutely NO shortcuts. Back to crunches. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

4.      Gossiping within the time they allocate to exercising

Why? I am dying, almost choking, to know the reason! The reason why it’s tough for women to refrain from chatting the moment they see someone from the same breed. You’ve got one effing hour to spend in the gym, out of which you happily babble away half in discussing things which do no good in cutting your tyres. Applause. You're near to a brighter, slimmer you, IN YOUR DREAMS!

5.      Wearing tight-fitted clothes, or the clothes they possibly want to fit in, to the gym

Ohkay! So, you’ve bought a brand new legging from Puma, one size smaller by choice, so that you fit into it when you work out. No, you don’t; unless, of course, you work hard for some time to be able to do that. Please don’t spoil the scenic beauty of the gym by wearing clothes that not highlight, but choke your assets to death. Mercy, please.   

6.      Not wearing appropriate gym clothes

Reference: sports bra. I understand you never bought one, because you thought Daisy Dee or Shrimati was always a better brand; but, understand that every time you cycle hard, rock that stepper or do aerobics on “jee karda bai jee karda, tenu kol bithava jee karda”, you give your knockers a rather bigger playground to roll in. Tame these kids. Please.  

7.      Flashing their bling while they workout

“A new ring? I’ve gotta show them all. Instructor, I have a problem. THIS one. Cycle with one hand, the other busy in adjusting the ring. THIS one. Picking the dumbells, turning the wrist to 360 degrees just to show the girl standing immediately next the new bling on the finger. THIS one. I honestly give a damn. THIS way.  

8.      Assuming that working out gives them the liberty to eat whatever they wish to

Overheard: I went for a chat party with my family yesterday. You know, coming to gym daily gives me liberty to have whatever I wish to. I feel SO fresh. 
My take: Round of applause for you. Bullcrap!

9.      Asking girls, who don’t LOOK married, about their marriage

When is it happening? Has the guy been finalized? What’s your age? What do you do? Why don’t you take UPSC exams? What’s the package you draw? What on earth are you waiting for? Do you suffer from any chronic disease? How many stars are in their in Sagittarius constellation? What is the value of Pi? Who invented the wheel? What’s the procedure to operate on a patient looking for a kidney transplant, who also had a bypass surgery done recently, and has a high blood pressure, hyperthyroidism, hypertension, pneumonia and high-sugar level in blood? Water! Glucose! Somebody help; she has fainted!

10.  Asking instructor about her marriage

She is the one, who is technically training everyone to tread on the way out of their fat-skin days and she deserves to be spared. Yes. 

11.  Asking guard about his marriage

Guards? Ohkay. You have ample time and so does he, nightingales! Continue chirping, but out of the premises, please.

12.  Believing every random tips that comes handy regarding losing weight.

I overheard a middle-aged fat woman advising the other to drink warm water as and when she’s done with the workout to lose weight faster. NO, please. Don’t believe any Tom, Dick and Harry walking with an opinion regarding weight loss. Do NOT go by “Lose weight now, ask me how” behenji’s for they will make sure you end up saying, “Lost my money now, my tyres don’t please, somehow”.

13.  Not asking enough relevant question regarding the workouts:

Do this; do that. This way, turn right, then turn left. Madam, what are you doing? What my instructor has asked me to do. What is this meant for? Shut up; let me work out. Oops! Out of the scene.
My take: please ask questions for if you don’t bother to ask, the instructor won't bother to tell. Why this workout; which body part does this affect; weight load, gradual progression – ask it all. Consider it as if the exercise was to get married with some other one!

14.  Taking long breaks between workouts drinking water, wiping out sweat, taking selfies, checking statuses or just giving others nasty looks

You already lost the rhythm your body got into during the first workout session. Now, the fat went back to sleep and so will you. Long breaks only burn time, not your fat. Back on the twister. FAST.

15.  Giving dirty looks to every girl who wears lesser clothes than what is socially acceptable

Tank tops, shorts, capris, hot pants, leggings, bandeau – everything is acceptable as long as you’ve got a body to flaunt it right. Icky looks won’t get you a thing because if you think it is wrong, it's is undoubtedly your problem! Get over it and now, resume your running and keep that smile when you do that! :)   

Friday, June 20, 2014

Moving in a Wordless World

What seems the most possible way out of a world where words seem more of noise - their meanings, underlying implications, intended tones all seem hollow? Words, they should have never ceased to spread their impact, for talk it out if you really want to solve the problem is all they said when I was a child.

As everything loses its charm when used way more frequently; similar thing, I guess, has happened with these words. They do not create magic anymore, they don’t convey the feelings any longer, they don’t touch others’ hearts now; they just seem to bounce back like a crazy ball – as crazy as the sky is high.

Belief, trust and reliance were the neighbors mostly frequenting these words; they have changed abode now, I was told. Words all seem superficial, now. The reasons I imagine why they would have lost their sheen look all simple yet caught in a messy mesh. They must have been beaten hard, raped repeatedly, used dishonestly, spoiled with verbosity, wasted in empty talks, lost in translations, worshipped half-heartedly and victimized incessantly – words still did what they were good at: connecting.

The bridge seems to have rusted now, more of dilapidated, rattling hard. Words do not connect anymore; they just take the noise over. They don’t bring back belief, rather disbelief. Words are the new weapons of destruction, for creating the deepest pains somewhere in hearts, a few would do the job the best.

Phones, television, video calls, letters, internet – the world was, indeed, shrinking in; what never came to limelight was the fact that words were becoming handy to everyone, even those who did not know the rules of the game.

Talk more, talk day-night, they told an “arranged” couple – talk substance is something they never advised.

Everyone has got something to say; the world is full of words – as empty as the universe itself. What seems the most comforting to me, when wording to everyone has become a piece of cake, is a bird cooing somewhere in vicinity.

In this verbose world, the things which still do not cease to warm hearts, the things which are still underused and, thus, are valuable are gestures, deeds, mannerism and acts. They are the new words. At times, dwelling in a wordless world seems comforting – the power of silence giving power to my brain. Living in a wordless world looks far brighter than trying my hands at the art, for words don’t sound true anymore… they embrace warmly no more. With the bridges burnt and their power lost, words have found new aide to carry them over – noise. Together, hand in hand, they set out to let it off.

As truly said in a fairly famous Hindi song, my senses sing it aloud thinking how funny it is to relate to these words – the words which never ceased to create an impact.
 “Jo bhi main kehna chahu, barbaad karein alfaaz mere”

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Anecdotes from a Crazy Love Life

This is the first time when I am narrating an instance from the very personal corner of my life to my readers; I am sure you would enjoy reading this as much as I have reveled in writing it and, most of all, in living it. This is surely one of those few moments, which keep cracking you up even after days or months when they happened. So, here goes a short, funny reminiscence which makes me laugh, cry and wonder all at the same time, thinking how my fiancé never leaves any stone unturned to add spice to our lives.

This happened a week back while I was happily chatting with my husband-to-be, sitting several miles away from me. I had been envying a lot of cute, just-married, couples on social platforms leaving mushy, gooey, cute messages for each other either in the form of posts or comments. Call my groom-to-be shy or hesitant, he doesn’t find it fit to spit his love out on social media (as if it’s venom) where there are hundreds of eyeballs trying to find some fault in it, if not any than grammatical. I hate his this habit as I am really active on social media and I don’t feel mollycoddled through his words on my posts or pics and I particularly hate it because we are engaged and there’s immense societal pressure (I feel, eh) on me to prove it to the world that my man is good with words and how!

So, I uploaded a pic, which looked somewhere close to this, but I surely looked way better; I always do, even in my out-of-the-bed selfies!

I knew my bae is never going to comment on the pic, as the best expression of his love is his “liking” the pic, and I fail to make him understand that out of 100 likes I got on the pic, his special love-filled ‘like’ will get crushed and tramped down (Sigh!).

But this time, I collared him (virtually, of course) and forcibly asked him to comment on my pic. Poor he, he thought this was probably the toughest time of his life, tougher than taking board exams. He immediately started ‘Google’ing severely romantic shayaris ever written and after half an hour, came out with this (on a pic that has me smiling and pouting, all at the same time):
Koi Aankho-Aankho Se Baat Kar Leta Hai.. Koi Aankho-Aankho Mein Mulakaat Kar Leta Hai…Bada Mushqil Hota Hai Jawaab Dena, Jab Koi Khaamosh Rehkar bhi Sawaal Kar Leta Hai…
Sawaal?! Bearing a question mark on my face, I complained about his bad judgment and how he could not think of something as simple as ‘looking pretty’! Why, at all, he needed to Google compliments?
He started digging further into the world of internet and this, for a moment, made me feel guilty wondering if I am asking too much of him. Never mind, this feeling was as temporary as my thought bubble which was again pricked by my beau who had found something he thought worthy:
This pair of small eyes, Help in saying big things, Love not expressed from lips, Is confessed by a wink. At any place in the world, Her eyes keep searching for me, Sparkle of her eyes is moved to her lips, After she finds me. Each feeling of her heart, Is said by eyes of hers Whenever I leave her, Droplets of water stroll down in form of tears. Can always find, Unconditional love for me in her eyes, Confirming the thought to be true, That the pair never says lies. I have a feeling, She has a straight heart to eye connection, As she expresses everything, by her eyes, That's needs to be mentioned. When I can't find her eyes around me, Don't know what happens to my day, Smile from my visage, Remains at bay. In the night when I lie on a gathered hay, Under the starry layer of the endless worlds, I trace your eyes in the maze of stars, Like a pattern laid out by two beautiful pearls. This pair of small eyes, Help in saying big things, Love not expressed from lips, Is confessed by a wink.
Well, I did not want a lengthy, 200-word essay on my pic, which already had some 10 odd comments by now, so I frowned a bit and asked him to quit whatever he was doing. To this, he so innocently said “but I’d honestly fallen for your eyes. I think they add spark to your beauty”. Well, this worked! I was flattered and thus, he got another chance to look for some nice comment to post on my pic. Here’s what he fetched:
Girl I'm not a shy guy, but you got me feeling like I might die. Those beautiful eyes, got me melted inside.
I thought of killing myself – not because this was too cheesy, but because I wasn’t looking for anything artificial: anything he could write that could make me feel I belong to him. I guess he picked up from my cue of not replying to this message that I disliked that, too. So, here’s my bae’s another attempt at pleasing me:
I miss the beautiful eyes that I can sail through forever. I miss the smile that send me to heaven
By now, I was banging my head on the wall being frustrated to the top-most notch. I, my last try, asked him to compliment me in Italian (I remembered he had championed this language way back in time). At this point, I could guess he was baffled, too, for how he was just not able to make me happy and how he's been ignorant of this new avatar of me, a girl who’s crying for his love, spelt out in sugar-coated words, written right on her post.

I would surely have fractured my limbs laughing so hard after what happened next had he not gotten me out of that by finally saying bye. This is what he said, “Here is my username and password, can you please comment whatever you feel is appropriate yourself?” Imagine me, pretending to be him, leaving romantic comments on my own picture! All my anger and frustration was bubbled in a matter of microseconds and I was actually feeling silly for have asked him to do something he just isn't good at: expressing himself under the sun! 
I shut my laptop down and retired to bed, just when I received a notification on my mobile saying someone has left a comment on my pic. It was him and this is what he wrote: Ti voglio molto bene! (Meaning: I love you so much!). I bet my day couldn’t have ended in a better manner J   

Saturday, June 7, 2014

There's A New "Hair"sitter in Town!

A long stint of trial, patience and hard work but were the efforts all worth it? You’ll have to read on till the end of this post in order to get the answer. I am talking about my hair and the amount of efforts it has demanded of me to bring them up right. This might be the first time in my life (another first!) when I have thought of cultivating this natural harvest to the extent it happily could and I dare say it has brought out the best in my behavior. How? Ohkay.

I, now, feel as if, being a child psychologist, I am writing the best of parenting techniques parents should practice but I must concede growing your hair right to see them how exactly you’ve wanted them to be is no way a lesser job. I have seen myself go through a lot of behavioral changes in order to accommodate the pain: tears, worries, fears, anticipations and, finally, bliss that growing my hair right has brought along. I confess I am now more patient with them falling and have learnt how to toss the blame on to the environment - you have to control your tears when you see them going down the drain or leaving their home to elope with the comb – great deal of perseverance, indeed. You have to make friends with the fact that some seasons are there in existence because they have some number targets of hair strands they have to register as fallen before they bid adieu to that place.

I get a feeling that I have become an erudite “hair”sitter, capable of writing a book on good “hair”sitting (I would love to call it that because I hate to repeat what I’ve said before). I must have read thousands of magazines and blogs online talking about the best hair care tips by everyone from amateurs to professionals – I had a patient ear for everyone. One side-effect of this whole activity was that a lot of times, I was directed to some fabulous recipe websites from these blogs; there was so much food to be applied on either hair or scalp being talked about that I finally gave up on covering my head with them and thought of becoming an unrepentant sinner indulging herself in gluttony J

Anyway, one year of persistent determination, eating right, oiling my hair twice a week, taking multi-vitamin supplements, working out regularly, combing with utmost care, breathing right, burping less, blogging more, praying even more, turning a blind eye to all the ‘good’ things in the world, watching lesser television, drawing constellations on assumed-to-be starry nights, bitching less, smiling to all the relatives, saying yes and all the ‘sane’ stuff those blogs could ask me to do - I have done IT ALL; some tips worked, others were fun to try; some gave good results while a few reassured there’s more to life than long, healthy hair. Finally, here I am, with THE results. I am sharing a few pictures with y’all – a few experiments I have done, now that I have learned to tame my hair. While I prepare myself for my first trimming session in all this time, I pray to God that I don’t return with a bad face and a back-on-track behavior (to hell with perseverance, I want them to stay for long!) J
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