Monday, June 30, 2014

Fifteen Things Indian Women Should STOP Doing in the Gym

So, it's a big deal for you that you've joined a gym and you're really excited about it. Here's a quick guide to help you with what happens in the gym and how not to participate in this if you ever intended to do that?

1.      Asking naturally slim girls if they’ve lost their minds or their ways that they’ve landed up in a gym:

Serious flaw with the mentality: we just cannot gulp down the fact that a gym is not a furnace for overweights to burn their love handles in. Instead, it is a setup meant for working out, not restricted to people with their weights falling in any particular range on the weighing scale. I must have faced this question around hundred times from ten different ladies (yes, they bother to ask the same question twice, thrice, or as many times as they please, till they don’t hear you saying you had extra money you just didn’t know where to dump) all searching for answers, I never figured out right.
Why is SHE even allowed here?

2.      Recommending modelling as a career to all the evidently lean girls:

I remember once a middle-aged woman urged me to take my headphones, which I had plugged in happily while working out, off just to tell me that if, by any chance, I don’t study anywhere and if I'm not working, too, I should opt for modelling as a career, because she thinks I perfectly fit the bill. No, I do not resemble any popular actor/model; I just appear thinner compared to the rest there. Honestly, I was flattered hearing the compliment but I lost faith in humanity after I heard her saying the same bloody thing to another lean girl who had just joined the same gym. Bloody kidder!

3.      Asking every other thin girl, but the instructor, a few ‘effective’ workout tips:

“These exercises the instructor has recommended don’t really seem to work; do you have any better in mind, the ones that you follow, to share with me?” I was scandalized when I heard a lady asking me while I was doing crunches. 
Fact check: slim girls know no crosscut to get you your curves back. Probably, they are fighting their way to reach there, too. There are absolutely NO shortcuts. Back to crunches. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

4.      Gossiping within the time they allocate to exercising

Why? I am dying, almost choking, to know the reason! The reason why it’s tough for women to refrain from chatting the moment they see someone from the same breed. You’ve got one effing hour to spend in the gym, out of which you happily babble away half in discussing things which do no good in cutting your tyres. Applause. You're near to a brighter, slimmer you, IN YOUR DREAMS!

5.      Wearing tight-fitted clothes, or the clothes they possibly want to fit in, to the gym

Ohkay! So, you’ve bought a brand new legging from Puma, one size smaller by choice, so that you fit into it when you work out. No, you don’t; unless, of course, you work hard for some time to be able to do that. Please don’t spoil the scenic beauty of the gym by wearing clothes that not highlight, but choke your assets to death. Mercy, please.   

6.      Not wearing appropriate gym clothes

Reference: sports bra. I understand you never bought one, because you thought Daisy Dee or Shrimati was always a better brand; but, understand that every time you cycle hard, rock that stepper or do aerobics on “jee karda bai jee karda, tenu kol bithava jee karda”, you give your knockers a rather bigger playground to roll in. Tame these kids. Please.  

7.      Flashing their bling while they workout

“A new ring? I’ve gotta show them all. Instructor, I have a problem. THIS one. Cycle with one hand, the other busy in adjusting the ring. THIS one. Picking the dumbells, turning the wrist to 360 degrees just to show the girl standing immediately next the new bling on the finger. THIS one. I honestly give a damn. THIS way.  

8.      Assuming that working out gives them the liberty to eat whatever they wish to

Overheard: I went for a chat party with my family yesterday. You know, coming to gym daily gives me liberty to have whatever I wish to. I feel SO fresh. 
My take: Round of applause for you. Bullcrap!

9.      Asking girls, who don’t LOOK married, about their marriage

When is it happening? Has the guy been finalized? What’s your age? What do you do? Why don’t you take UPSC exams? What’s the package you draw? What on earth are you waiting for? Do you suffer from any chronic disease? How many stars are in their in Sagittarius constellation? What is the value of Pi? Who invented the wheel? What’s the procedure to operate on a patient looking for a kidney transplant, who also had a bypass surgery done recently, and has a high blood pressure, hyperthyroidism, hypertension, pneumonia and high-sugar level in blood? Water! Glucose! Somebody help; she has fainted!

10.  Asking instructor about her marriage

She is the one, who is technically training everyone to tread on the way out of their fat-skin days and she deserves to be spared. Yes. 

11.  Asking guard about his marriage

Guards? Ohkay. You have ample time and so does he, nightingales! Continue chirping, but out of the premises, please.

12.  Believing every random tips that comes handy regarding losing weight.

I overheard a middle-aged fat woman advising the other to drink warm water as and when she’s done with the workout to lose weight faster. NO, please. Don’t believe any Tom, Dick and Harry walking with an opinion regarding weight loss. Do NOT go by “Lose weight now, ask me how” behenji’s for they will make sure you end up saying, “Lost my money now, my tyres don’t please, somehow”.

13.  Not asking enough relevant question regarding the workouts:

Do this; do that. This way, turn right, then turn left. Madam, what are you doing? What my instructor has asked me to do. What is this meant for? Shut up; let me work out. Oops! Out of the scene.
My take: please ask questions for if you don’t bother to ask, the instructor won't bother to tell. Why this workout; which body part does this affect; weight load, gradual progression – ask it all. Consider it as if the exercise was to get married with some other one!

14.  Taking long breaks between workouts drinking water, wiping out sweat, taking selfies, checking statuses or just giving others nasty looks

You already lost the rhythm your body got into during the first workout session. Now, the fat went back to sleep and so will you. Long breaks only burn time, not your fat. Back on the twister. FAST.

15.  Giving dirty looks to every girl who wears lesser clothes than what is socially acceptable

Tank tops, shorts, capris, hot pants, leggings, bandeau – everything is acceptable as long as you’ve got a body to flaunt it right. Icky looks won’t get you a thing because if you think it is wrong, it's is undoubtedly your problem! Get over it and now, resume your running and keep that smile when you do that! :)   


Vidhya Rao said...

You are damn right....

Cheena Chopra said...

Hey Vidhya!
I am glad someone seconds my thoughts! Thanks for dropping by. Do keep visiting.

Gitanjali Banerjee said...

I can swear by every point made here. Gym is quite a place to show off your branded sports wear and some ladki patao thing. Ah! Seriously.

Cheena Chopra said...

Lol! Yeah, Gitanjali :)

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