So Much So

What’s the most tragic, disheartening, striking and yet the most satisfying sibling-feeling you’ll ever get? It’s, probably, losing them to a life partner they would eventually spend their lives with. For all the time you might have spent together, you might not have cared a bit and might have also taken their presence tad too casually, but it is at this point in life that you want to shed your outer, worldly self, to bare your naked soul to them, showing that you have always been that ‘first’ next to them. It is this, weirdly-emotional, crazy-yet-sorted phase that I am going through right now!

So, the grand news that it is the time for us, the family members to push my brother into a brand new life of ‘husbandship’ and see him transition through a fun boyhood to an even merrier manhood, all laughing through his learning phase. While we shall remain on the shore bidding him happiness, he shall embark on a fresh new sailing, in a direction unexplored, to a more-fulfilling life. Well, this had to happen one day, so, now.
*tears of happiness*.

Having spent around two and a half decades with my brother, living closely and sharing all the fabrics of life with him, I can say our companionship has really seen a lot. All through the journey, I would have come across zillions of shades of my brother, some funny, other grim, some possessive, while others I-don’t-give-a-damn, some rather secretive and others open-to-all, some very loving and others close to breaking a bone, some really supporting and others contradicting, a few caring publicly and a lot more caring very secretly – I have grown as a sister all this while, seeing him change, grow up to be a better human being.

From the time I remember I know him to the time he cried for me on phone just after a day after my marriage to now, when I miss him even more because of the distance, of course, every day carries equal substance in the pages of my memories. I can say I have spent some of the best and the most memorable moments of my life with this champ. In fact, our journey in life has been a lot familiar. Right from studying in the school together, crossing teenage to experiencing a new phase, called college, to further getting placed and earning money, we have tasted these struggles almost at the same time.

I so feel both of our lives are so interconnected and strongly influenced by each other’s that we both would, now, get married to spouses with a similar initial, “H”! What a great, darn coincidence!

Finally, a note to the protagonist here: I wish you be as good a companion as you’ve been a big brother! Congratulations for entering a new phase of life and thanks for getting us all a nice sister-in-law! I really hope we have zillions of times like these in store ahead!

*Love*

The bottom rung

I once stumbled upon something that has never really left my mind; something which goes like, ‘never feel shy of catching hold of the bottom rung’. I never knew how something I read casually made a permanent home in my subconscious mind. Surprisingly, when I look back on whatever life I have lived till date, I realize I have pretty much followed the formula, knowingly or unknowingly.

I sense what most people escape from doing, after they have lived a certain sort of a lifestyle, is getting back to the basics. It requires true humane in you to first, remember where you have come from, and second, to acknowledge that it was not all that bad.

When everyone dreams of being catapulted to the top, there is still a category of people which is the most talked about and respected all over. These are the ones who did not shy away from taking the first step, the most difficult one, the most daring – the beginning. This lot preferred to be friends with the bottom rung, which could lead them to the top. The mantra all through the journey was to ‘keep upgrading’. From crawling to flying, they closely knew the sorts of obstacles they have fought and the ones they have befriended.

There must be some who would loathe, or rather fear humble beginnings and, then, there is this category which loves taking challenges and starting from scratch, digging the ground to finally unleash the gold. They are the ones who believe, dream, push themselves and make their way along the offbeat paths and they are the ones who compel the universe to conspire for their success.

The idea was to cut the coat according to the cloth, not fearing how one would appear to others, and then to keep on upgrading. This way, the present needs were sufficed and the ones ahead were kept in perspective. I have seen friends fighting really hard with the EMIs which they had to pay for the things they bought just to keep up with the general standards. 

On the other hand, we see big entrepreneurs who do not mind staying in small houses, eating whatever comes their way and concentrating all their energies on their goals. They knew that this bottom rung of ‘beginning’ is what would change their lives for better and it did! This rung proved to be mighty powerful, indeed.

Catching hold of the bottom rung, I find myself, too, moving up the ladder at my own pace. Having recently upgraded from a studio to a way bigger house, I feel befriending the bottom rung was a good decision I made. These days, I prefer going for a small version of anything first, gradually moving my way to the above. This mantra has, in a way, become an epitome of positivity for me, a beam of hope saying there are better days waiting just around the corner!

This post has been chosen as the Spicy Saturday Pick by Blogadda

Love and Marriage

My latest read has, indeed, changed the way I have always looked at marriage. I, so, agree that most people spend far more time in preparing for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage. Therefore, it is not surprising that they are more successful in vocational pursuits than in reaching the goal of marital happiness. Most couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for the marriage. Nobody ever prepares for marriage as though it were the most important human relationship he/she will ever have.

Being in Love Is Not an Adequate Foundation for Building a Successful Marriage

We all carry limited perspective about being in love. For almost all of us, the biggest reason why we want to get married to another person is ‘because we love each other’. Often, we fail to consider the fact that our social, spiritual and intellectual interests are miles apart. We fail to acknowledge that ‘love’ is not the basis for a satisfactory marriage. Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade.

Doing a compatibility check on five important grounds – intellectual dialogue, emotional control, social interests, spiritual unity and common values would take a marriage way more far than these ‘tingles’ we call love.

Romantic Love Has Two Stages

The first stage, obviously, requires little effort because it is pushed along by euphoric feelings. Nobody has to really work on the relationship at this stage. The average life span of this initial stage of romantic love is two years. Coming down off of the emotional high leaves one nothing but disillusioned. The second stage is way more intentional. Those who make the effort to transition from Stage One to Stage Two, the rewards are astounding. Everyone has a primary love language. Learning how to express love effectively is the key. Five languages of love are – Words of affirmation (verbally expressing your admiration), acts of service (discovering what things they would life for you to do and then doing them consistently), receiving gifts, quality time (looking at each other, talking, listening), physical touch.

a.    Observe your own behavior – how you express love.

b.    Note what you complain about.

c.    What do you request most often

The Saying “Like Mother Like Daughter” and “Like Father, Like Son” is NOT a Myth

We all are greatly influenced by our parents. Identifying their negative traits and making sure that they do not repeat in us in a learned and conscious method could help us do wonders.

Learning How to Solve Disagreements without Arguing

All marriages have conflicts. Some couples learn how to resolve the conflicts in a friendly manner while others resort to heated arguments. Large or small, all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month or a lifetime. On the other hand, conflicts have the potential of teaching us how to love, support and encourage each other. It’s all how one processes the conflicts. The real need is the need to listen. In marriages, it is never ‘having my way’. It is rather discovering ‘our’ way. Three strategies – meeting in the middle, meeting on your side and meeting later might help. 

Apologizing is a Sign of Strength

Learning the five languages of apology – expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely expressing your desire to change your behavior, requesting forgiveness. 

Forgiveness Is Not a Feeling

It is a decision to restore love and faith in the relationship.

Toilets Are Not Self-Cleaning

Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages.

We Need a Plan for Handling Our Money

You don’t have any money problems when you have no money. After marriage, it is no longer ‘my money’ but ‘our money’, ‘our debts’, ‘our savings’. Second, agreeing on a percentage to save, give away and spend is necessary. 10:10:80 plan works most of the time – 10 for savings, 10 for giving away and rest 80 could be spent in medicine, transportation, utilities, insurance, clothes, recreation, etc. Housing and utilities should not exceed 40%.

Mutual Sexual Fulfillment is Not Automatic

While men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationships. For most women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. For her, foreplay is more important than actual act of love itself. Sex is a bonding experience. It is the union of male and female in the most intimate way. It is not joining of two bodies, but union of body, soul and spirit. Today, divorce rate among those who have had previous sexual experience before marriage is twice as high as those who had no sexual experience before marriage.

You Marry Into a Family

Spirituality is Not to Be Equated with ‘Going to Church’

Talking about our basic beliefs about God helps release a lot of tension.

Personality Profoundly Influences Behavior

Identifying yourself and the spouse as morning person or night person, as pessimist or optimist, as neatnik or a slob, Dead Sea or Babbling Brook, pointer or painter, passive or aggressive, professor or dancer, organizer or free spirit/spontaneous and logical or intuitive, helps dealing with the issues that might occur because of the difference. 

Honeymoon Diaries Part 3: Vishakhapatnam: No Other Place I Would Rather Be

I'm sure God had personally set the plan for us – perfect place, perfect hotel, perfect set of people and perfect weather – no other place would have treated us better; it had to be his hometown!

The first day, around 11 in the morning, we reached Vishakhapatnam, the city of destiny as they call it. We reached the hotel where we had planned to stay – Novotel – one decision I am really proud of. 

What a treat it was – the rooms, the service, the view, the quality of the food they served – everything was out of this world! Driving you a bit offbeat, I would like to mention that there are times in life when we can’t thank few people enough – the people we call friends. His one such friend, Kalyan, took so good care of us during our short stay that saying ‘thank you’ would only nullify his efforts. He sent us a car, with a friendly driver, to pick us up and take us wherever we wanted to go. Kalyan also did a superb job by giving us a bullet to ride on wherever we wished to. I cannot really write my husband's feelings while riding the bullet, his favorite machine, by the sea, with me riding as pillion - it was mesmerizing, like a dream come true! Things got even better when my parents landed the same evening.

We went for dinner to one of his relative’s home and the moments we spent there were overwhelming. We had a great time eating great food and talking our hearts out. We could not, for a moment, feel that both our families were from two different states and cultures.

The next morning, we headed for the famous Simhachalam Temple. His one more friend had his father as the head priest of the temple. Therefore, we could get VIP entry and special pooja done for all our family members and the bliss we all experienced there can't be summed up in words. Once we were back at the hotel, we decided to head to the beach and give it a polar-bear hug – needless to say, we all had an amazing time there J

The same evening, we had our wedding reception planned. The kind of reception I received, being a new entrant to his family, was so heart-warming that I was floating in clouds. I tried reciprocating all the love I received from the elders and the kids, and so did my family. Thanking my new family for this love would never be enough. Having reached the hotel, we (my family and my husband) sat by the pool and tried to re-live the day’s happenings. The sea breeze helped us freshen up and live each moment we were breathing there.

The next morning, my brother had an early flight to catch, therefore we bade him adieu and set off for Rushikonda beach. Thereafter, we saw our parents off, who too had to head back home. We reached our hotel and decided to head to the hotel gym. The amazing time working out together, and then while taking steam bath energized every cell in our bodies and we were all set for a new phase of adventures.

The two days we stayed back together was our private time together, so to say J We spent the best time meeting relatives and friends, seeking blessings at Sampath Vinayagar Temple, shopping jewelry, riding bike in the entire city, even when it was raining, eating at the most fabulous places in Vizag – Daspalla's Dimple Rooftop Restaurant, Dolphin Hotel, Cabana and Novotel and the climax: riding a speed boat in the sea at Rushikonda beach. Our honeymoon just couldn’t have been better than this. All this while, the weather in Vizag was similar to heaven. Only when we were heading back that it was hot there – probably, the place wasn’t happy seeing us leaving. One more incident which brings smiles to our faces is the meeting with one of his friend's mom on our way back to the airport. This friend, Chandrashekhar’s mom not only blessed us, the newly wedded couple, and gave us goodies to take along back home, but also offered “Bournvita” to us, the kids! Never ever in my life had anyone offered me Bournvita when I visited them. This cute incident made me hug the lady even tighter – people have THAT kind of influence on you J

With this, my extended honeymoon came to an end and I must say that this was THE best time of my life. Not only this trip got us emotionally closer to each other, but also introduced a new level of intimacy which wasn’t there when we were dating. We also got together as a family, a unit – my family lovingly accepted my husband as a member and so did he. We all had an amazing time exploring a new place and new relations.

I can say God listens to all the prayers and how! With our each breath ticking the life away, our gratitude to them increases manifolds. 

Ms. to Mrs.: A dream transition!

So now, the world identifies me as somebody’s wife; the feeling? It’s inexplicable. I am sure every couple, who in their dating period feels seriously for each other, dreams of this transition but seldom they are able to reach this stage. I am one of the few chosen ones who could successfully hit the goal, without facing any opposition at all.

My say on the feeling of this transition from being boyfriend-girlfriend to husband-wife is IT IS NEVER THE SAME. Dating is way different from living a whole, life-ful of relationship. Living with each other 24x7 not only gives way to serious revelations about the other person, but also opens up another chapter of love – sustenance.

The only privilege ‘pre-marriage-dating’ blesses you with is that you don’t listen to the other person as a just-brought-home cat, who doesn’t know how to act feeling a new air around. You freely meow, purr or even pounce, as if it was your own house and your own people J

The first hit I got was when I woke up, startled, seeing him sleeping on the same bed as mine! J Yes - when we got to sleep for some 3 odd hours after I reached my “new” home at 5 AM. My first-hand experience on dating, love and marriage is that friendship transcends all hardships you face as a couple and brings a lot of peace and calmness back home. So, you know, great food, romance, organized life, adjustments all take a back seat. 

I am sure preaching does not help when it comes to relationships and the only thing you would want to experience is a free-fall, being yourself, feeling an eternal calmness of having achieved a big goal in life – togetherness. So, I will not preach a word on how you should be steering a relationship to the right path (I don’t know it myself, to be true J). Let us all, newlyweds, make our honeymoon period last for a lifespan and hope that this transition from bachelorhood to marriage takes off as smoothly as a Lufthansa airplane racing on the runway to kiss the clouds. 
Here’s wishing all the best to all the couples travelling on the same boat. Bon Voyage!