The bottom rung

I once stumbled upon something that has never really left my mind; something which goes like, ‘never feel shy of catching hold of the bottom rung’. I never knew how something I read casually made a permanent home in my subconscious mind. Surprisingly, when I look back on whatever life I have lived till date, I realize I have pretty much followed the formula, knowingly or unknowingly.

I sense what most people escape from doing, after they have lived a certain sort of a lifestyle, is getting back to the basics. It requires true humane in you to first, remember where you have come from, and second, to acknowledge that it was not all that bad.

When everyone dreams of being catapulted to the top, there is still a category of people which is the most talked about and respected all over. These are the ones who did not shy away from taking the first step, the most difficult one, the most daring – the beginning. This lot preferred to be friends with the bottom rung, which could lead them to the top. The mantra all through the journey was to ‘keep upgrading’. From crawling to flying, they closely knew the sorts of obstacles they have fought and the ones they have befriended.

There must be some who would loathe, or rather fear humble beginnings and, then, there is this category which loves taking challenges and starting from scratch, digging the ground to finally unleash the gold. They are the ones who believe, dream, push themselves and make their way along the offbeat paths and they are the ones who compel the universe to conspire for their success.

The idea was to cut the coat according to the cloth, not fearing how one would appear to others, and then to keep on upgrading. This way, the present needs were sufficed and the ones ahead were kept in perspective. I have seen friends fighting really hard with the EMIs which they had to pay for the things they bought just to keep up with the general standards. 

On the other hand, we see big entrepreneurs who do not mind staying in small houses, eating whatever comes their way and concentrating all their energies on their goals. They knew that this bottom rung of ‘beginning’ is what would change their lives for better and it did! This rung proved to be mighty powerful, indeed.

Catching hold of the bottom rung, I find myself, too, moving up the ladder at my own pace. Having recently upgraded from a studio to a way bigger house, I feel befriending the bottom rung was a good decision I made. These days, I prefer going for a small version of anything first, gradually moving my way to the above. This mantra has, in a way, become an epitome of positivity for me, a beam of hope saying there are better days waiting just around the corner!

This post has been chosen as the Spicy Saturday Pick by Blogadda

My first Varalakshmi Vratham

My story is one perfect example of amalgamation of two cultures, one from cosmopolitan Punjab and the other from traditional Andhra. Going by my instincts or love or spirit to marry my beau had gotten me into a new land of a new language, new cultures, new traditions and new ways of leading life. Needless to say, it has been an enriching experience which I would have deeply missed had I gotten hitched in my own community. I always had hots for South Indian guys and since college, I was pretty sure I am going to fall for one from the foreign land and no wonder, the fate!

So, now, I am a semi-Andhraiite, still trying to get my tongue twist on the tunes of Telugu words and training my taste buds for spicy, Andhra food. But the best part about this cross-cultural union is that I get to celebrate the bests of the festivals from the North as well as from the South. We had God’s grace shining on us, so we could celebrate my first Rakhi and get all the love from my family. A day before, I got to celebrate my first Varalakshmi Vratham and this experience was both divine as well as overwhelming for both of us.

Since I do not have any elder’s guidance on how things should be, I had to bank on my cousin sisters-in-law, Kanthi and Pallavi and one great bhabhi (vadina, as they say in Telugu), Rani. These guys helped me great deal to understand the festival and the values hidden in it and perform the pooja according to the rituals. The best anchor, my husband was always next to me to lead the way but yes, he never forced anything upon me, neither if I should fast nor if I should perform the pooja. It was my interest and excitement which he fueled further .

So, I had my new sarees in place, gold purchased (kasu) in place, a thoroughly cleaned and decorated mandir in place and all the raw ingredients required to prepare the prasadam the next morning right in place. One best aspect of participating in South Indian festivals is you get to purchase plenty of new clothes and jewelry all the time! Anyway, the next morning, I got up at 5:30 in the morning, took a shower, draped my new saree and set out to my kitchen to prepare the five dishes I had plan to cook. I must say I not only surprised myself but also my best friend and my husband who couldn’t believe I could do all this in one go.

I prepared the following – carrot kheer, lemon rice, rava kesari, Pongal and daddhojanam. By 9, I was all prepared and set for the pooja. This vratham is not exactly a tiring one, as you get to eat right after you perform the pooja. We performed our pooja at 11:40 in the morning and had food right after that. This pooja experience was calming and, also, brought us closer as a couple – we recited all the mantras in Sanskrit together and sung the Arti, too. Singing ‘Lakshmi Raave Maa Intiki’, I, not even once, felt like an outsider. For the first experience, this one was truly outstanding! The craze to wear a new saree, to eat all these tasty dishes, to wear new jewelry and, of course, to do things right was all the driving force behind, but by grace of Maa Lakshmi, I had the best first Varalakshmi Vratham ever!

Daddhojanam or Curd Rice

Lemon Rice

Carrot Kheer

Rava Kesari/Halwa

Pongal

Love and Marriage

My latest read has, indeed, changed the way I have always looked at marriage. I, so, agree that most people spend far more time in preparing for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage. Therefore, it is not surprising that they are more successful in vocational pursuits than in reaching the goal of marital happiness. Most couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for the marriage. Nobody ever prepares for marriage as though it were the most important human relationship he/she will ever have.

Being in Love Is Not an Adequate Foundation for Building a Successful Marriage

We all carry limited perspective about being in love. For almost all of us, the biggest reason why we want to get married to another person is ‘because we love each other’. Often, we fail to consider the fact that our social, spiritual and intellectual interests are miles apart. We fail to acknowledge that ‘love’ is not the basis for a satisfactory marriage. Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade.

Doing a compatibility check on five important grounds – intellectual dialogue, emotional control, social interests, spiritual unity and common values would take a marriage way more far than these ‘tingles’ we call love.

Romantic Love Has Two Stages

The first stage, obviously, requires little effort because it is pushed along by euphoric feelings. Nobody has to really work on the relationship at this stage. The average life span of this initial stage of romantic love is two years. Coming down off of the emotional high leaves one nothing but disillusioned. The second stage is way more intentional. Those who make the effort to transition from Stage One to Stage Two, the rewards are astounding. Everyone has a primary love language. Learning how to express love effectively is the key. Five languages of love are – Words of affirmation (verbally expressing your admiration), acts of service (discovering what things they would life for you to do and then doing them consistently), receiving gifts, quality time (looking at each other, talking, listening), physical touch.

a.    Observe your own behavior – how you express love.

b.    Note what you complain about.

c.    What do you request most often

The Saying “Like Mother Like Daughter” and “Like Father, Like Son” is NOT a Myth

We all are greatly influenced by our parents. Identifying their negative traits and making sure that they do not repeat in us in a learned and conscious method could help us do wonders.

Learning How to Solve Disagreements without Arguing

All marriages have conflicts. Some couples learn how to resolve the conflicts in a friendly manner while others resort to heated arguments. Large or small, all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month or a lifetime. On the other hand, conflicts have the potential of teaching us how to love, support and encourage each other. It’s all how one processes the conflicts. The real need is the need to listen. In marriages, it is never ‘having my way’. It is rather discovering ‘our’ way. Three strategies – meeting in the middle, meeting on your side and meeting later might help. 

Apologizing is a Sign of Strength

Learning the five languages of apology – expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely expressing your desire to change your behavior, requesting forgiveness. 

Forgiveness Is Not a Feeling

It is a decision to restore love and faith in the relationship.

Toilets Are Not Self-Cleaning

Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages.

We Need a Plan for Handling Our Money

You don’t have any money problems when you have no money. After marriage, it is no longer ‘my money’ but ‘our money’, ‘our debts’, ‘our savings’. Second, agreeing on a percentage to save, give away and spend is necessary. 10:10:80 plan works most of the time – 10 for savings, 10 for giving away and rest 80 could be spent in medicine, transportation, utilities, insurance, clothes, recreation, etc. Housing and utilities should not exceed 40%.

Mutual Sexual Fulfillment is Not Automatic

While men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationships. For most women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. For her, foreplay is more important than actual act of love itself. Sex is a bonding experience. It is the union of male and female in the most intimate way. It is not joining of two bodies, but union of body, soul and spirit. Today, divorce rate among those who have had previous sexual experience before marriage is twice as high as those who had no sexual experience before marriage.

You Marry Into a Family

Spirituality is Not to Be Equated with ‘Going to Church’

Talking about our basic beliefs about God helps release a lot of tension.

Personality Profoundly Influences Behavior

Identifying yourself and the spouse as morning person or night person, as pessimist or optimist, as neatnik or a slob, Dead Sea or Babbling Brook, pointer or painter, passive or aggressive, professor or dancer, organizer or free spirit/spontaneous and logical or intuitive, helps dealing with the issues that might occur because of the difference. 

Ms. to Mrs.: A dream transition!

So now, the world identifies me as somebody’s wife; the feeling? It’s inexplicable. I am sure every couple, who in their dating period feels seriously for each other, dreams of this transition but seldom they are able to reach this stage. I am one of the few chosen ones who could successfully hit the goal, without facing any opposition at all.

My say on the feeling of this transition from being boyfriend-girlfriend to husband-wife is IT IS NEVER THE SAME. Dating is way different from living a whole, life-ful of relationship. Living with each other 24x7 not only gives way to serious revelations about the other person, but also opens up another chapter of love – sustenance.

The only privilege ‘pre-marriage-dating’ blesses you with is that you don’t listen to the other person as a just-brought-home cat, who doesn’t know how to act feeling a new air around. You freely meow, purr or even pounce, as if it was your own house and your own people J

The first hit I got was when I woke up, startled, seeing him sleeping on the same bed as mine! J Yes - when we got to sleep for some 3 odd hours after I reached my “new” home at 5 AM. My first-hand experience on dating, love and marriage is that friendship transcends all hardships you face as a couple and brings a lot of peace and calmness back home. So, you know, great food, romance, organized life, adjustments all take a back seat. 

I am sure preaching does not help when it comes to relationships and the only thing you would want to experience is a free-fall, being yourself, feeling an eternal calmness of having achieved a big goal in life – togetherness. So, I will not preach a word on how you should be steering a relationship to the right path (I don’t know it myself, to be true J). Let us all, newlyweds, make our honeymoon period last for a lifespan and hope that this transition from bachelorhood to marriage takes off as smoothly as a Lufthansa airplane racing on the runway to kiss the clouds. 
Here’s wishing all the best to all the couples travelling on the same boat. Bon Voyage!