One year, countless memories!

This day, last year, we took the plunge to start living together, giving shape to our dreams. Reaching here, to this decision, settling in India and choosing to tread on the path which could prove to be extremely tough wasn’t taken in a day; it took us months and to me, it all seemed like an era.

I always tell my girlfriends it never seems to me that I live with my husband; the time we are spending now seems a mere extension to our dating time, when, of course, we were not staying together. It’s been a fun one year which has taught many life lessons I could possibly write a book about but, for now, let us do with a blog.

1. No expectations = life full of surprises. Pretty much. I never expected him to cook or wake up early and make me tea or take extra care of me when I am not well. He did, and I pretended to take all that like a breeze!
2. Friendship > marriage. Well, this dates back to the time from where it all started – it all started with friendship. So, we decided to retain the flavor and not adulterate with expectations marriage might hold from a couple.
3. You + Me = We. A massive change. Yes, it is a couple taking decisions now in almost all the spheres. For the first time in my life, I have been putting my view in taking big decisions and enjoying the discussions happening before the consensus is settled.
4. Marriage ≠ proving to each other. Accepting the other person the way he is, his way of living and thinking, habits, culture from where he comes all clubs into a package home-delivered to you, all wrapped in a gift paper. Living together would give way to whole lot of revelations which should just be taken as a milestone in knowing in each other and crossed happily.
5. Love = being comfortable. That pretty much is the crux. One year is a long enough time to understand each other rather clearly and be able to breathe superfine in each other’s company. When there’s nothing to prove to the other person, you learn to live just the way you are.
6. Marriage ≠ growing up: Yes! Be as crazy as you have always been and never let go of the things which actually bring pleasure to you. Though you have decided to grow old together but this sense of satisfaction of being with the right person might actually reverse age for you! Do not ever think of succumbing to societal pressures just because you’re growing old. I’ve been thinking of taking life one second at a time and, trust me, it makes me feel real light.
7. Best times = sitting and talking: Just this. I trust in you and you trust in me. That should end the story well.
8. Feelings ≠ words. When you live together with your husband and the feeling of being married starts sinking in, you realize that love is much more than words could ever define. It engulfs your relation, keeping it warm and giving you enough space for growth. You know no words could ever tell him how you feel and this feeling is so contagious that each other's mere presence would leave no space for words. You realize loving each other becomes as a habit as breathing.
9. Clashes ≠ serious fuckups: It’s perfect to fight like pigs and come together later in the day because you need someone to talk to. It would always be your decision what you would want to prioritize at any given point – person, relation, matter or your ego. After all, any stupid decision taken in haste would not mean end of all the problems, but starting of a new set of problems.
10. Success = being happy: This is my final word to sum up my one year this day. Love is being happy because you’ve been blessed to live the life of your dreams, to see things falling into place, to feel god’s blessings in all spheres of life and because you have so much to thank god for and even more to look forward to!

To the sheer happiness that spreads when we're together!

Jumping on the bandwagon

In my too little a life to call an experienced one, I have passed through many such trendsetter phases which were provoking enough to instigate an action out of me. Irrespective of what was responsible for setting the momentum, the consequence always resulted me jumping on the bandwagon.

The earliest one I can recall was taking an engineering entrance exam because it was so much in vogue to overlook and behave you didn’t know. No wonder I did not find even a single fabric in me to tailor myself to the looks of an engineer. God bless that examiner who, also, did not find me good enough to dress like one! Anyway, that was way too back and, of course, I have enjoyed treading on the path lesser opted for.

Following getting educated and starting to earn, there came a phase in life when every social media I was subscribed to was filled with high-definition pictures of pre-wedding photoshoots, wedding capsules, artificially-created, romantic shots, woes-into-vows videos and mushy love messages. Getting married stays so much in fashion while you’re in your 20’s that almost everyone you know is busy finding someone for you who, of course, doesn’t know you (spares off from special convincing). That’s when it struck to my parents, and a little to me, that their daughter now needs to be pushed off this house to find her abode in someone else’s. Funny how things change, the place you have spent all your life growing up stays yours but is no more yours to say. Anyway, the craze stays for some time, until routine sets in and you get used to living with whosoever legal system ties you with.

Time inched a more towards getting older when I was just figuring out the difference between being a part of a family and being a family myself, veering my brain to the sensible path, not the one which looked cooler and trying to act mature while still carrying the same, stupid, unripened inner self. This is the time when things have changed again and something still newer has set its foot in vogue. Everyone I know is once again back in picture to make me meet someone who doesn’t know me (no special convincing here, too). Take a hint!

Well, I shouldn't really blame them, for that is what's happening all around them, and me. I suspect everyone I know is so bloody saving money off using a protection that all that hear from every direction is that I am going to become an ‘aunt’! From people at work to closest of close friends to people I see almost every day to even celebrities, everyone seems to have been bitten by cupid’s stupid cousin who is busy presenting 'maternity time-offs' to girls, especially the ones in my closest social periphery. The happiness, excitement and nervousness these girls feel and what they have conveyed to me is so palpable that I would have immediately jumped on the bandwagon had I been my older self. I look at my pocket, then, and feel buying my dream Thar would be way better a decision for now. It would be hell of a ride, I am sure, but I would still enjoy being a fence sitter for now and revel in being called (with a heavy heart) an ‘aunt’!

This post has been chosen as the Tangy Tuesday Pick by BlogAdda 

My first Varalakshmi Vratham

My story is one perfect example of amalgamation of two cultures, one from cosmopolitan Punjab and the other from traditional Andhra. Going by my instincts or love or spirit to marry my beau had gotten me into a new land of a new language, new cultures, new traditions and new ways of leading life. Needless to say, it has been an enriching experience which I would have deeply missed had I gotten hitched in my own community. I always had hots for South Indian guys and since college, I was pretty sure I am going to fall for one from the foreign land and no wonder, the fate!

So, now, I am a semi-Andhraiite, still trying to get my tongue twist on the tunes of Telugu words and training my taste buds for spicy, Andhra food. But the best part about this cross-cultural union is that I get to celebrate the bests of the festivals from the North as well as from the South. We had God’s grace shining on us, so we could celebrate my first Rakhi and get all the love from my family. A day before, I got to celebrate my first Varalakshmi Vratham and this experience was both divine as well as overwhelming for both of us.

Since I do not have any elder’s guidance on how things should be, I had to bank on my cousin sisters-in-law, Kanthi and Pallavi and one great bhabhi (vadina, as they say in Telugu), Rani. These guys helped me great deal to understand the festival and the values hidden in it and perform the pooja according to the rituals. The best anchor, my husband was always next to me to lead the way but yes, he never forced anything upon me, neither if I should fast nor if I should perform the pooja. It was my interest and excitement which he fueled further .

So, I had my new sarees in place, gold purchased (kasu) in place, a thoroughly cleaned and decorated mandir in place and all the raw ingredients required to prepare the prasadam the next morning right in place. One best aspect of participating in South Indian festivals is you get to purchase plenty of new clothes and jewelry all the time! Anyway, the next morning, I got up at 5:30 in the morning, took a shower, draped my new saree and set out to my kitchen to prepare the five dishes I had plan to cook. I must say I not only surprised myself but also my best friend and my husband who couldn’t believe I could do all this in one go.

I prepared the following – carrot kheer, lemon rice, rava kesari, Pongal and daddhojanam. By 9, I was all prepared and set for the pooja. This vratham is not exactly a tiring one, as you get to eat right after you perform the pooja. We performed our pooja at 11:40 in the morning and had food right after that. This pooja experience was calming and, also, brought us closer as a couple – we recited all the mantras in Sanskrit together and sung the Arti, too. Singing ‘Lakshmi Raave Maa Intiki’, I, not even once, felt like an outsider. For the first experience, this one was truly outstanding! The craze to wear a new saree, to eat all these tasty dishes, to wear new jewelry and, of course, to do things right was all the driving force behind, but by grace of Maa Lakshmi, I had the best first Varalakshmi Vratham ever!

Daddhojanam or Curd Rice

Lemon Rice

Carrot Kheer

Rava Kesari/Halwa

Pongal

Boycotting Normalcy

We've long back crossed the age of excitement and astonishment trying to figure out the meaning of marriage and wedding, while learning the difference between the two. After close to six months now, when all fascinating aspects of marriage seemed to have found the answers, I sense the state of ‘being settled’ trying to seize the schedule and painting it in the bland colors of routineness, while shouting on top of its voice, ‘Congratulations! Now that you’re freaking hitched, you’re settled now!’

The only thing I am reminded of by this phrase ‘being settled’ is a heavy stone sunk to the bottom of a water tank, because there wasn’t any space to dig down further and lie there. It’s like a bottle of champagne being decarbonated just to get a more calmed down, fizz-free drink, like a cat being belled just to keep a tab on all her ‘catty’ acts and more like gaseous CO₂ being converted into dry ice to keep it all, integrated at one place.

You seldom hear parents wishing a life full of adventures, while bidding farewell to their daughter-turned-bride, or a life full of last-minute plans, shocking revelations, exciting explorations, daring decisions, creative enlightenment or mental growth, for that matter. All that they would wish her is a life as calm and peaceful as still water, a life which certifies her as a nice wife, daughter-in-law, mother, neighbor, colleague and citizen!

This generation, who I belong to, regards more meaning to the life post marriage than what settlement holds for them. For many like me, marriage brings along a possibility to try the things never tried before, breaching the rules and heading out untrained to face life head-on. Thankfully, I am surrounded by friends and family who think the same; for instance, one of my close friends chooses to be an Army wife instead of going for a ‘normal, settled’ boy because she thinks she can pull it off with fun; one other friend heads out for a road trip to Nepal and one, last, who is learning to knit because she finds it utterly creative. All these have one thing in common, they have refused to stay stuck in normalcy – all of them are happy being called jerks because they think this tag describes them the best. 

I reckon one famous saying by Paulo Coelho (a little down here) and this one brings me the feeling of euphoria, for there are millions of things I would like to try while they are still calling me young and cover it all under the sheath of ‘experimentation’. I feel this is THE time when we could be crazy at our best and still feel grounded, for we have explored the true meaning of being mature and are coloring our life with the hues of sense. 

Refusing to stay stuck in normalcy, here I am saying, 'I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me!'.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Here are some of my happy realizations, which make me want to give my life a bunny hug.

1. Living in the real skin

This incidence happened while I was preparing to head back to my home having taken steam bath in my fitness center. I bumped into this maid who was cleaning the washroom. Looking at my choorha and having concluded that I was recently married, she asked me if I was living at my in-laws’ place. Giving in to her curiousness, I answered affirmatively. I can’t really articulate the astonishment I saw on her face; I am too sure gravity had no role to play in making her jaw drop to the floor! She, very skeptically, re-asked me if they (my in-laws) do not object my wearing shorts despite my marital status. After seeing my what-is-this-nonsense look, she went ahead to explain to me the reason behind her bizarre reaction - back from where she came, she was not even allowed to let her scarf budge from her head to show off her hair. I got the gist and thanked God my ‘usual’ life lets me wear whatever I get my mind on. 

2. Technology, the savior

This was way back in time when I had begun working for Kobo, Inc. Since I worked from home, all my work was dependent on this black box I am fiddling with right now – my laptop. I remember the reaction on my maid’s face the first time she saw me and my boss video-chatting. She was all drenched in bewilderment seeing how I could see a person sitting millions of ‘houses’ away from me. Actually, she could not grasp how I could talk to a person AND see him on a ‘box’. I remember her telling me how many problems she faced while connecting to her mother back in her hometown, Nepal – financial being the first. I had to look at the sky and pass a flying kiss. 

3. Decision making

This doesn’t come easy to an ‘Indian’ married girl. All her decisions, big or small, financial or otherwise, relating to herself or her family, do not opt for an easy path to go her way. They demand an intervention at all levels, starting from her husband, to his family to the neighbors to everyone else but her. Finally, she consumes a broth everyone's but her mind has cooked. No wonder, Christ had me at the first alphabet of his name (it’s the same as my)!

4. Compliments from strangers

This one elates me to the core! During my internship there, I was waiting at the reception of All India Radio, holding a bouquet, for my aunt who had her birthday that day. I remember this beautiful lady, who passed by me, turned around, came back to me and said while lowering herself to my ears, ‘you're a flower holding a bouquet’! For once, I could not believe my ears - that was the best compliment anyone had ever given me. I could not help but smile that entire day and, worst still, almost everyone who knows me has listened to this incident more than once. Following that, there have been many from people like my gym trainers, kids playing around, my cousins, my friends and the family but it's the ones I have received from strangers that entered my mind and never really left.

5. The finest of the lows and the finest of the highs

Been there, done that. I have rode the wavelength of life, had my best smiles with tears and my worst tears with smiles at my crests and at my troughs. All in all, it has been a wonderful roller-coaster ride and it has always been about moving ahead, in the right direction. The best reason to look forward to life is that the best of it is ‘yet to come’!

6. Good food, good workout and good vibes

This feeling of being surrounded by exactly the people you have ever wanted to be with, the no-nonsense thoughts, the art of controlling the senses, love and prayers – this realization of how the best things in life don’t cost a dime is, surely, priceless.

7. Great books by my pillow

How could I not realize the immense power these little lumps of pages have before! Now that I have, I am not going to let this habit go till I am breathing. 

8. Chase them dreams

The feeling that marriage should set oneself free is contrary to what we are taught our entire spinster life. We've only got one life to dream big and fight for them!

9. The night outs!

Not that I was handcuffed when in home or there was curfew outside that I could not step out, but you know when you have doting parents back home who are curious to know what goes on in your life, it IS tough to go out on dates. The worst restriction on me was no night outs. Things seem to have changed now that I am hitched – we party all night, watch late night movies, dine late and never look at the watch while we're havin' fun. 

10. My blog

This crucial part of my life has not only brought me closer to some of the most wonderful intellectuals I would not have ever been able to meet otherwise, but also has made me embrace solitude like a warrior. Nothing really makes my day mighty fine more than writing and publishing a post and, further, reading the comments my readers leave on my blog - pure bliss! 

Lastly, love, love, love - parents, siblings, elders, colleagues, kiddos, acquaintances - it's raining everywhere and I feel it on my skin. As they say, good vibes are extremely contagious, I feel them sinking in :)

10 Days without You

I, ashamedly, admit that I have zero experience in running a home, like a perfect house manager. Yes, I am married, yet, I'm, circumstantially, in an internship phase. My husband lived in a country abroad for good six months and he’s back now and how! The update is that my honeymoon phase is going to be over soon and I am to start living with him, running a house – like a boss.

My parents set the arena for a nice practice game for me, when they left for a lovely, but long (ten days!) trip together. My KRA was to babysit two babies in their late twenties – one my brother and the other has to be my husband. Shit got deeper when my brother joined a new office, where he was supposed to report at 8:30 in the morning, right when I used to yawn wide in my dreams. Trouble started when all eyeballs starkly pointed at me, like a digital compass very sure where to set itself, for making everyone comfortable all through the void.

I was always scared of being unable of holding up everyone’s expectations. I could never imagine myself getting up at 6 in the morning, having slept at 2 in the night, to cook for the breakfasts and the lunches. I have never in my life bothered to make things look shinier just so somebody was turning up at home – you can say I have been spoilt to the brim, but that’s how I have been brought up – and I am sure many other babied dolls would swear of the same situation as mine.

Superseding my own expectations of myself, I sailed through and I would say, I was fairly good! Thanks to Google, cooking never seemed a daunting task, and the thought that my brother would have to leave home starving compelled me to get up and cook. Fortunately, the two overgrown babies, too, behaved themselves and showered all their concerns and love. I can say that is what kept the motivation flowing right through me. I was, in all possible manners, trying to emulate my mom, recalling everything she did, right from storing the leftovers to cleaning the washrooms to effectively balancing her work life.

Never did I realize that though she never sat me down to teach me things, she silently made me pick up all her habits. Her being around, carrying herself just being her, was an inspiration enough to steal a glance and check what’s keeping her busy. The zeal of starting a task, even if cooking, was infectious enough to grab everyone’s attention at home.

Things were right there on the subconscious level, just they were dug up and pulled out now. I am glad I managed to run the show and keep everyone entertained for the ten days they weren’t here – though inside, I was striking dates off waiting for their return. Life all this while has, undoubtedly, moved at snail pace, yet the feeling of having accomplished an elephantine task lifts me two feet above the ground. When they were back, I seemed to, in my mind, hand things over to her as a mother-in-law does to her newly wed daughter-in-law; I wished to thank her for teaching me the ways of life, but something inside pulled me back – I am sure she would have said her aura needed to be thanked.

Love and Marriage

My latest read has, indeed, changed the way I have always looked at marriage. I, so, agree that most people spend far more time in preparing for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage. Therefore, it is not surprising that they are more successful in vocational pursuits than in reaching the goal of marital happiness. Most couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for the marriage. Nobody ever prepares for marriage as though it were the most important human relationship he/she will ever have.

Being in Love Is Not an Adequate Foundation for Building a Successful Marriage

We all carry limited perspective about being in love. For almost all of us, the biggest reason why we want to get married to another person is ‘because we love each other’. Often, we fail to consider the fact that our social, spiritual and intellectual interests are miles apart. We fail to acknowledge that ‘love’ is not the basis for a satisfactory marriage. Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade.

Doing a compatibility check on five important grounds – intellectual dialogue, emotional control, social interests, spiritual unity and common values would take a marriage way more far than these ‘tingles’ we call love.

Romantic Love Has Two Stages

The first stage, obviously, requires little effort because it is pushed along by euphoric feelings. Nobody has to really work on the relationship at this stage. The average life span of this initial stage of romantic love is two years. Coming down off of the emotional high leaves one nothing but disillusioned. The second stage is way more intentional. Those who make the effort to transition from Stage One to Stage Two, the rewards are astounding. Everyone has a primary love language. Learning how to express love effectively is the key. Five languages of love are – Words of affirmation (verbally expressing your admiration), acts of service (discovering what things they would life for you to do and then doing them consistently), receiving gifts, quality time (looking at each other, talking, listening), physical touch.

a.    Observe your own behavior – how you express love.

b.    Note what you complain about.

c.    What do you request most often

The Saying “Like Mother Like Daughter” and “Like Father, Like Son” is NOT a Myth

We all are greatly influenced by our parents. Identifying their negative traits and making sure that they do not repeat in us in a learned and conscious method could help us do wonders.

Learning How to Solve Disagreements without Arguing

All marriages have conflicts. Some couples learn how to resolve the conflicts in a friendly manner while others resort to heated arguments. Large or small, all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month or a lifetime. On the other hand, conflicts have the potential of teaching us how to love, support and encourage each other. It’s all how one processes the conflicts. The real need is the need to listen. In marriages, it is never ‘having my way’. It is rather discovering ‘our’ way. Three strategies – meeting in the middle, meeting on your side and meeting later might help. 

Apologizing is a Sign of Strength

Learning the five languages of apology – expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely expressing your desire to change your behavior, requesting forgiveness. 

Forgiveness Is Not a Feeling

It is a decision to restore love and faith in the relationship.

Toilets Are Not Self-Cleaning

Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages.

We Need a Plan for Handling Our Money

You don’t have any money problems when you have no money. After marriage, it is no longer ‘my money’ but ‘our money’, ‘our debts’, ‘our savings’. Second, agreeing on a percentage to save, give away and spend is necessary. 10:10:80 plan works most of the time – 10 for savings, 10 for giving away and rest 80 could be spent in medicine, transportation, utilities, insurance, clothes, recreation, etc. Housing and utilities should not exceed 40%.

Mutual Sexual Fulfillment is Not Automatic

While men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationships. For most women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. For her, foreplay is more important than actual act of love itself. Sex is a bonding experience. It is the union of male and female in the most intimate way. It is not joining of two bodies, but union of body, soul and spirit. Today, divorce rate among those who have had previous sexual experience before marriage is twice as high as those who had no sexual experience before marriage.

You Marry Into a Family

Spirituality is Not to Be Equated with ‘Going to Church’

Talking about our basic beliefs about God helps release a lot of tension.

Personality Profoundly Influences Behavior

Identifying yourself and the spouse as morning person or night person, as pessimist or optimist, as neatnik or a slob, Dead Sea or Babbling Brook, pointer or painter, passive or aggressive, professor or dancer, organizer or free spirit/spontaneous and logical or intuitive, helps dealing with the issues that might occur because of the difference.