10 Days without You

I, ashamedly, admit that I have zero experience in running a home, like a perfect house manager. Yes, I am married, yet, I'm, circumstantially, in an internship phase. My husband lived in a country abroad for good six months and he’s back now and how! The update is that my honeymoon phase is going to be over soon and I am to start living with him, running a house – like a boss.

My parents set the arena for a nice practice game for me, when they left for a lovely, but long (ten days!) trip together. My KRA was to babysit two babies in their late twenties – one my brother and the other has to be my husband. Shit got deeper when my brother joined a new office, where he was supposed to report at 8:30 in the morning, right when I used to yawn wide in my dreams. Trouble started when all eyeballs starkly pointed at me, like a digital compass very sure where to set itself, for making everyone comfortable all through the void.

I was always scared of being unable of holding up everyone’s expectations. I could never imagine myself getting up at 6 in the morning, having slept at 2 in the night, to cook for the breakfasts and the lunches. I have never in my life bothered to make things look shinier just so somebody was turning up at home – you can say I have been spoilt to the brim, but that’s how I have been brought up – and I am sure many other babied dolls would swear of the same situation as mine.

Superseding my own expectations of myself, I sailed through and I would say, I was fairly good! Thanks to Google, cooking never seemed a daunting task, and the thought that my brother would have to leave home starving compelled me to get up and cook. Fortunately, the two overgrown babies, too, behaved themselves and showered all their concerns and love. I can say that is what kept the motivation flowing right through me. I was, in all possible manners, trying to emulate my mom, recalling everything she did, right from storing the leftovers to cleaning the washrooms to effectively balancing her work life.

Never did I realize that though she never sat me down to teach me things, she silently made me pick up all her habits. Her being around, carrying herself just being her, was an inspiration enough to steal a glance and check what’s keeping her busy. The zeal of starting a task, even if cooking, was infectious enough to grab everyone’s attention at home.

Things were right there on the subconscious level, just they were dug up and pulled out now. I am glad I managed to run the show and keep everyone entertained for the ten days they weren’t here – though inside, I was striking dates off waiting for their return. Life all this while has, undoubtedly, moved at snail pace, yet the feeling of having accomplished an elephantine task lifts me two feet above the ground. When they were back, I seemed to, in my mind, hand things over to her as a mother-in-law does to her newly wed daughter-in-law; I wished to thank her for teaching me the ways of life, but something inside pulled me back – I am sure she would have said her aura needed to be thanked.

Book Review: Dear Mrs. Naidu

My rating: ●●●●●

Mathangi Subramanian

Dear Mrs. Naidu

Delhi: Young Zubaan, Zubaan Books, 2015

131pp. ₹235

9789384757175

One of the few books which make you smile when you finish them reading, letting you drive home a ‘literary orgasm’, a sense of completion, a sense of achievement, a sense of "your mind and your heart growing”. 

For an author who is writing a book for the first time, I must say this is a job well done. A work of fiction, the book still discusses the issues which are real and quite prominent in India. These are a series of connected letters written by a twelve-year old to her idol, a famous freedom fighter, Mrs. Sarojini Naidu. The series of writing to one’s idol starts as a part of her class assignment, but eventually becomes a habit of the protagonist, (also) Sarojini.

The book begins with a powerful prose from one of Naidu’s poems, which, all through the book, gives immense inspiration to the protagonist to fight for her Right to Education (RTE). All through her this fight to make her school a ‘good’ school, compliant with RTE, Sarojini relates her struggle with Mrs. Naidu’s fight for independence.

Do not think yourselves as small girls.

You are the powerful Durgas in disguise.

You shall sing the Nationalist songs wherever you go.

You shall cut the chain of bondage. And free your country.

Forget about the earth. You shall move the skies.

Halfway through her struggle, Sarojini, having deeply bogged down by the challenges, writes an equally powerful reply to Mrs. Naidu’s above-mentioned lines.

When there’s so many people and possibilities dragging you down, Mrs. Naidu, it’s hard to feel like Durga in disguise.

How do you forget the earth when it’s always beneath your feet? And when no one wants to help you, how do you move the skies.

However, the book concludes with a happy ending, spreading a lot of positivity around. The book not only enlightens the reader with a lot of information about something as basic as RTE but also proves to be an important source of information, inspiration, motivation and, most of all, gradual progression. There is a contact list of various NGOs, which religiously work for child rights, included at the end of the book, which should come handy to all of us. The language of the book while being simple, is extremely pulling and engaging and compels you to read till the end in one stretch. I would surely want to overlook a lot of grammatical mistakes I found in the content, for they did not turn out to be a major turn off for me. My take-home lesson from the book would be the protagonist mentioning Mrs. Naidu’s reply A chacun son infini (to each her own infinity) to a famous French saying, A chacun son destin (to each her own destiny)!

Book Review: Something Happened on the Way to Heaven

My rating: ●●○○○

I am happy to have received a fresh read from the author I always appreciate reading. Not only as an author, but also as a human being, Sudha Murty gives her reader several reasons to never stop loving her.

Talking about the book, the title really intrigues the reader, instigating a sense of suspense. I believe it should pose as one big driving force towards the purchase of the book, for it is also a famous song by Phil Collins. At first, the title appears to cover a mythological fiction, but actually turns out to be a self-help, covering a string of memoirs.

Moving on to the Preface, as soon as I turned to it, I was rather disappointed to learn that Sudha Murty has not written any of the stories contained in the book but has hand-picked and edited them. For her fans who read and appreciate her writings, it should come across as a tough bet to bank on some complete strangers’ writings.

Extremely basic, the TOC fails to make an instant impact on someone who’s randomly flipping through the pages. The headings of the stories are nowhere close to lucrative and say nothing in support of the title of the book.

This work of non-fiction contains a string of twenty memoirs of people we do not know and who think they have got something worthy to share with everyone. The editor wants to bring forth some classic cases of inspiration to the readers, to set their pulse right in a direction unexplored. Sudha Murty has famously indulged in sharing her inspiring anecdotes with her readers and this time, for a change, has given the command to her readers and has herself become a listener instead.

All the stories follow a very simple and formal way of writing, which I think well-suited the intended audience. Speaking about the language, you would not find superlative degree of literature put to use nor would you find the content engaging after having sailed through half of the book.

The selection of the stories are nice, and seem to be doing their job right in sending out motivational messages to the readers. While one of them, like Acceptance, opens up new doors of possibilities in the way we lead our lives and how we could change our outlook for good, the rest are extremely clichéd and send out no new, breakthrough lessons to the readers.

I am sure you would appreciate this book if you love Sudha Murty, if you love extremely simple and quick reads and if it doesn’t matter to you who writes as long as it is worthy. But having completed the book once, I am sure you would not want to re-read the same content, for it will all appear stale.

The Art of Detachment

They say every person you meet is going to teach you a lesson – good or bad – for he would not only leave his impression on you, but much beyond that an impact which would somewhere, even if a bit, change the way you see the world.

The change, no matter how unwelcoming, would appear superficial, if you wouldn’t let it sink in, and sneak away without even letting you know. But there are going to be a few disheartening ones. You would not even want to turn back the pages of your life, would instead skip those chapters, so you don’t end up chewing over the things that happened, were said or got done. Even if you do, it would only match churning of some tasteless cud in your mind you would merely want to spit off.

People – they have that kind of impact on you, and how! I have heard this is apparently the most talked about topic around the globe. People. We have the power to transfer our vibes onto others, the magnetic aura we bear has an immense power to reverse all positivity into absolute negativity or vice versa. Our vibes, in a way, speak out our mind for us. So, you would surely get to know if people hate you inside even if they never say a word regarding this on your face.

Ever wondered how wonderful it would be, if we, having understood how getting in touch with people affects us psychologically, emotionally and socially, learn the art of detachment? First rule, however, of detachment game would be never going back to the same phase of your life, shuffling Rubik’s cube, testing out perms and combos while pondering on ifs and buts. A stage of complete cut off would initially seem tough, but that’s all in how you cajole your mind into thinking about other more interesting stuff.  

If you’re lucky, there will be moments when all the negative elements around you would voluntarily buzz off. Stop for a moment to thank them all, for the Satan inside them has finally spared you off its wrath. The ones who are nothing but pile on’s could be shown, very politely, the way to the exit through your actions. You never know, your vibes might as well knock the socks off their negatives.

Detaching would never come easy, for your mind would always want to hop off into the negative mode, thinking how alone/lonely it feels because of the people who didn’t care, but, on a brighter side, detachment would always open new doors of fresher possibilities for you, leading you into a brighter, independent path where you would find yourself happier in absence of all such creeps.

Detachment, I am sure, would bring along a thousand reasons for you to thank God for a blessed life you never knew existed in store for you. After all, we are surely not weak to blame people for how we feel – we know Karma is a bitch and surely that detachment would bring along great satisfaction of leaving everything to the stars and moving ahead with the things that matter!

I Love My Earphones Plugged, Anyway

So, here it goes. I am not a crazy music lover, a person who spends the best part of his day listening to beats, catching hold of the lyrics. Music is a thing which comes as rather an opportunity to me. While listening to the radio, news, sitcoms or while travelling, I might just run into some good music being played in the background that would pull me by my collars and cast a spell right there. This point on would initiate an irritating, sometimes insatiable, urge to know that song and to have it loaded in my iPod. Genres, singers, instrumentation, formats or styles – nothing really governs my playlist.

I remember one friend asking me if I listened to country music and all I could do was scoff at the thought of sticking to one kind of music for all my life. My playlists might have the slowest songs ever sung by anyone, to a wacky Bhojpuri number I might have stumbled upon at a crazy pajama party with friends.

The best part about my this love for music I would lovingly call as ‘cosmopolitan’ is that I enjoy the silence they leave behind, when they end. I would listen to one song on repeat mode for half a day and, then, decide to not repeat it finally and, still, keep the earphones plugged in my ears hours afterwards. I love the fact that my earphones do not decide to jump off my ears having played the same song for hours; thinking good of me, they would still fight off the noise outside to enter my ears and spoil the sweet residue the song just played has left in my ears and a bit in my brain. The headphones: they also do to my ears what quilt does to my body in winters: provide a warm hug and just be there, holding the warmth. So, while listening to a song I discovered on radio a couple of days back on my iPod, I realized how I love this physical object which has become as good as an extension of me. Playing music or not, I so love my earphones plugged, anyway!

Love and Marriage

My latest read has, indeed, changed the way I have always looked at marriage. I, so, agree that most people spend far more time in preparing for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage. Therefore, it is not surprising that they are more successful in vocational pursuits than in reaching the goal of marital happiness. Most couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for the marriage. Nobody ever prepares for marriage as though it were the most important human relationship he/she will ever have.

Being in Love Is Not an Adequate Foundation for Building a Successful Marriage

We all carry limited perspective about being in love. For almost all of us, the biggest reason why we want to get married to another person is ‘because we love each other’. Often, we fail to consider the fact that our social, spiritual and intellectual interests are miles apart. We fail to acknowledge that ‘love’ is not the basis for a satisfactory marriage. Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade.

Doing a compatibility check on five important grounds – intellectual dialogue, emotional control, social interests, spiritual unity and common values would take a marriage way more far than these ‘tingles’ we call love.

Romantic Love Has Two Stages

The first stage, obviously, requires little effort because it is pushed along by euphoric feelings. Nobody has to really work on the relationship at this stage. The average life span of this initial stage of romantic love is two years. Coming down off of the emotional high leaves one nothing but disillusioned. The second stage is way more intentional. Those who make the effort to transition from Stage One to Stage Two, the rewards are astounding. Everyone has a primary love language. Learning how to express love effectively is the key. Five languages of love are – Words of affirmation (verbally expressing your admiration), acts of service (discovering what things they would life for you to do and then doing them consistently), receiving gifts, quality time (looking at each other, talking, listening), physical touch.

a.    Observe your own behavior – how you express love.

b.    Note what you complain about.

c.    What do you request most often

The Saying “Like Mother Like Daughter” and “Like Father, Like Son” is NOT a Myth

We all are greatly influenced by our parents. Identifying their negative traits and making sure that they do not repeat in us in a learned and conscious method could help us do wonders.

Learning How to Solve Disagreements without Arguing

All marriages have conflicts. Some couples learn how to resolve the conflicts in a friendly manner while others resort to heated arguments. Large or small, all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month or a lifetime. On the other hand, conflicts have the potential of teaching us how to love, support and encourage each other. It’s all how one processes the conflicts. The real need is the need to listen. In marriages, it is never ‘having my way’. It is rather discovering ‘our’ way. Three strategies – meeting in the middle, meeting on your side and meeting later might help. 

Apologizing is a Sign of Strength

Learning the five languages of apology – expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely expressing your desire to change your behavior, requesting forgiveness. 

Forgiveness Is Not a Feeling

It is a decision to restore love and faith in the relationship.

Toilets Are Not Self-Cleaning

Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages.

We Need a Plan for Handling Our Money

You don’t have any money problems when you have no money. After marriage, it is no longer ‘my money’ but ‘our money’, ‘our debts’, ‘our savings’. Second, agreeing on a percentage to save, give away and spend is necessary. 10:10:80 plan works most of the time – 10 for savings, 10 for giving away and rest 80 could be spent in medicine, transportation, utilities, insurance, clothes, recreation, etc. Housing and utilities should not exceed 40%.

Mutual Sexual Fulfillment is Not Automatic

While men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationships. For most women, sex begins in the kitchen, not in the bedroom. For her, foreplay is more important than actual act of love itself. Sex is a bonding experience. It is the union of male and female in the most intimate way. It is not joining of two bodies, but union of body, soul and spirit. Today, divorce rate among those who have had previous sexual experience before marriage is twice as high as those who had no sexual experience before marriage.

You Marry Into a Family

Spirituality is Not to Be Equated with ‘Going to Church’

Talking about our basic beliefs about God helps release a lot of tension.

Personality Profoundly Influences Behavior

Identifying yourself and the spouse as morning person or night person, as pessimist or optimist, as neatnik or a slob, Dead Sea or Babbling Brook, pointer or painter, passive or aggressive, professor or dancer, organizer or free spirit/spontaneous and logical or intuitive, helps dealing with the issues that might occur because of the difference.